Happy Geek

I worry from time to time that I'm too old to be a comic book nerd. I'm thirty one years old and I have an Avengers phone case and pencil case (I don't even own pencils), a glossy print of Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man (swoon!), an Avengers window sticker and lots of Marvel comics. Oh and I may have several t-shirts. Ten years ago I'd pee with laughter at the thought of being such a nerd, but nowadays I pee with excitement at the thought of being such a nerd. I get butterflies when I see trailers for Marvel movies. The fact that all the guys in the Avengers team are completely humptastic is, of course, nothing to do with it *ahem*.

I reckon that, subconsciously, part of the attraction is the fantasy of men who can protect and save whilst staying honourable. Captain America; strong, true-hearted, brave, respectful towards women and jolly good-mannered! You'd definitely take ole Cap to meet your mum. Then you have Tony Stark; great looking (it's R.D.J, I'm biased!), richer than Midas, funny, brave. Ok, so he's a bit arrogant, but who wouldn't be when you've got skills like that?? Thor, or should I say "Phwoar"! Well....need I say more? (I didn't actually intend for that rhyme to happen, I'm quite impressed). Basically, it's every quality we find an extreme rarity in real life.

Outside of the films and into the comics you have an array of talent, with plenty of bad boys for all you women who like to pick the wrong types! I'm busting to get to Comic-Con if only just to get amongst fellow nerds in their Marvel costumes! God, the thought of Comic-Con actually made me smile, I definitely just hit the nerd alert button. 

It certainly makes me smile when I think of how I used to mock the spotty little nerds at school. I never entertained the thought of dating them, I never entertained the thought of being so "sad" as to spend my nights chatting about comic books. If any of them knew me now I would definitely get a few raised eyebrows and smug looks. Plus I bet they're almost as hot as Tony Stark and Steve Rogers nowadays. Damn.

I've thought many times about what my special power would be if I were a superhero. Don't judge me; I bet you've all done the same! I keep changing my mind. Sometimes I think invisibility would be the coolest power to have, I don't need to explain to you why (where did you say Michael Bublés dressing room was again...?). But then I think telekinetic powers would be pretty awesome too. Coincidently, you know you're becoming a geek when you use the word awesome. To move things around with my mind and see the shock and confusion on peoples faces would be hilarious. But that wouldn't make me a proper superhero, that'd make me a nuisance. To have the super-fit skills of Natasha Romanoff, the precision shooting skills of Hawkeye, the power to heal like the Scarlet Witch, to be able to fly like Iron Man, telepathic/telekinetic powers of Jean Grey; I'd have a whole series of comics dedicated especially for me! It's a whole world of fantasy that's a whole world better than the day to day trivial matters we deal with on a daily basis. Escapism; never underestimate it.

I may be a nerd now, but I'm pretty sure I was cool once. Then again, who's to say what's cool and what's not? I think multi-millionaire Stan Lee is the answer to that question.

Summer Holiday: RIP

Oh dear. Back in the UK again. I try not to complain too much about this country (I mean the actual UK itself,not the weirdos and chavs and politicians who roam it. I've plenty to complain about those) but when you enter into 8 degrees after flying away from 32 degrees, it kind of puts things into an obvious perspective. Our weather is shit. When we landed in Gatwick the cold was almost unbearable. Anybody would think I'd been living in Cyprus for years, but after a mere seven days I had already become acclimatised to the heat, so getting out of the plane at Gatwick felt like walking into someone's Smeg. With the icebox on overload. Since I've been home the sun has come out a few times but it's still too cold to sunbathe. Instead, I've been sunbathing on my lounge carpet where the sun shines through the window. Desperate measures. I make myself an ice cold daiquiri and pretend I'm back in Cyprus. Just without the blue sky, azure sea, white sand, gorgeous waiters, pool, great food, etc. 

The wedding was fabulous. The bridesmaid was amazing *ahem*. All the wedding guests were lovely and there were no fights! (a little disappointing). I'm not into public displays of emotion (from myself. Other than rage of course) but even I had a few tears in my eyes. Probably the sun shining in them...*cough*. Getting the bride into her dress (how many fucking eyelet holes does one dress need???? God dang fiddly ribbon!) and walking down a fuckload of stone steps in heels were the only two hairy moments. I had a little trouble getting the dress done up and, even though she didn't say so, I could sense Sarah starting to stress. The steam coming out of her ears was a subtle sign. Going down the huge steps I heard Sarah whisper; "Are you ok Leigh Anne"? All I could muster was; "Mmhmmm", as I tried desperately not to arse over my dress train. I've not concentrated that much since school! Ha! Who am I kidding; as if I ever concentrated at school!

My only issue with the holiday was our hotel charging for wifi use. Charging!!! Oh if only I'd known some Greek swear words. It took me five days to learn to say Hello, and that was just in English. Kidding. It's sad when you reach a stage where you're in a beautiful country with lots of things to do and lots of cocktails to drink, but the most important thing is finding somewhere with free wifi. Each time we found a place with free wifi I felt as if I'd found an air bubble after having trouble breathing. Such a sad turn of events. But, all was fabulous! Sarah and Kirk are married and happy, and I didn't fuck up in my role of Bridesmaid. I didn't even get burnt! I rejected Stavros the waiters offer of a "stroll" along the beach. I didn't hire a quad bike and crash into a restaurant. Nor did I get seriously drunk and puke outside a kebab shop. In fact I think it's best I go back and try again! After all, I am a perfectionist. 

Kalimera Stavros....!

Burn After Reading

After a difficult few weeks at work, and finding out the guy I was seeing was shagging his ex-girlfriend, I'm so ready for my holiday this week! Seven days in Paphos and bridesmaid duties for Sarah and Kirk. Holiday and being a bridesmaid has definitely not come cheap, but it's worth it and I deserve it!

I've chosen my Mum as my plus one, given that she hasn't been abroad since before I was born and there are no men worthy of being my holiday companion. So it's going to be a case of Sun, Sea, and No Sex Please I'm With My Mum. Not that I'm in a rush to have a man anywhere near me again anytime soon, not after the last few. Well, after all of them really. The last guy was an excellent bullshitter, I'll give him that. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm not like the other guys, I'd never hurt you in any way". He seemed extremely sincere at the time. The fact that he claimed to be neurotic about keeping things clean and tidy, whilst his bathroom had mould older than Gandalf, should've warned me early on that he wasn't completely honest.  It's hard to know what to believe now. Men claim that women are paranoid and they don't understand why, well guys...now you know! Also, always remember this; we always find out, one way or another, when you're dipping your stick in somebody else's honey pot. I'm not angry, I don't think I'm even that surprised. I'm certainly not going to be bitter about it. I just hope his dick falls off.

Anyway, enough about the latest douchebag, lets get back to the holiday! I'm excited, but before the fun of the holiday comes the unfortunate experience of flying; and the consequent projectile vomiting. I've only actually thrown up once on a plane but that was bad enough - have you ever tried communicating with non-English speaking Spanish airport cleaners? Not understanding me trying to explain I've been sick in this bag led to me having to actually act out being sick into the bag. People pretty much kept their distance from me at the baggage collection point. Nevertheless, I very much dislike feeling sick so am not looking forward to the flight, and no amount of sugar-free sucky sweets is going to stop my eardrum from feeling like its going to implode. 

After a day of recovering I shall celebrate our landing with copious amounts of cocktails. According to the hotel website we have a poolside bar! I'm not sure swimming whilst under the influence of an extravagant cocktail of various alcoholic substances is an entirely great idea, not since the last time I almost took out my eye on the cocktail umbrella, but hey...we only live once. Sink or swim! In my case; sink. Most importantly, I need to ensure I don't make the mistake of falling asleep in the sun whilst reading my book, not like I did last month when I woke up looking like I'd had an all-over chemical peel with sulphuric acid.

I'm slightly concerned about the food out there. The closest I've ever gotten to Greek food is a bag of cheesy puffs I bought once in Spain called Hercules Puffs. I had taramasalata in a Greek place in Canada years ago and that was gorgeous, nothing like the shit you buy in supermarkets that tastes like the manufacturers just packaged up something a fish puked up. I believe kebabs are quite popular over there. Similar to England I guess, although it'll be weird standing in a kebab shop without hearing chavs swearing at the counter assistant, and a drunken hobo pissing up the wall outside. Anyway, if I don't find any food I like I could always survive the week on cocktails, at least they have fruit in them.

This will be my first holiday abroad in four years so I'm determined to have a good time. I'm going to do as many touristy things as I can possibly fit in, drink as many cocktails as my liver can fit in, and avoid as many dodgy kebabs as my bowels can fit in. Or out, as the case may be. Hopefully the wedding will go nice and smooth too, preferably without me arsing down the steps tangled in my dress train. Then, when I get back I shall immerse myself in work and my friends. If at any point I decide to be stupid enough to start dating again you can guarantee the first thing I'll be checking out is the bathroom; it says a lot about a man.

Winky Flirt Babe

So I took the plunge into Internet dating, just like my friends suggested. It was a great example of exactly why I'm usually so stubborn towards anybody's advice. After 2 weeks of "winks" and "flirts" from guys who looked like they'd just escaped prison, catching their faces on the barbed wire on the way out, and messages from guys proclaiming I have a "great rack babe", I decided to cancel my subs. How do any guys reckon on getting a decent girlfriend with a pick up line like that?? i mean its hardly the height of romantic wooing. Babe...? In the literal sense of the word, I'm hardly a "babe". Plus it reminds me of that film with the talking pig. Sorry Mr BigDong31, but that's a line I ain't biting!

I was seeing a guy until recently, but he turned out to be pretty much like all the others. Self-absorbed, a bit distant, a tad weird etc. Plus he had kids; major buzzkill! He never liked to text whilst he was with his kids. Somebody needs to remind him that kids that age don't particularly want to be hanging out with Dad, so I'm sure they wouldn't give a crap if he was texting in their presence. I genuinely liked him, although I had my reservations, and besides the making me watch some motor racing bullshit he knew I didn't like, and texting his ex-girlfriend throughout our evening together, I actually felt comfortable with him. But then he said he'd text to discuss our, whatever it was we had, and never bothered. Three days later when I see him in a situation that involved both of us being together in the same place, he pretends like nothing had ever happened. I stick by my theory that men are better at mind games than women. He did me a favour really, I could never be with a guy who owns a tutu. Don't ask.  

I did meet a guy last week who seems very keen. One major problem though; he lives in Wales. He couldn't live in a worse location! It's kind of ironic considering my thoughts on Wales. In fact I may just change my middle name to Irony.

To be honest, I'm quite happy as I am right now. I'm taking every guy I meet with a pinch of salt. In fact I might just keep a bottle of salt on my person at all times. Maybe keep it in my rack...?

 

S'not Funny

I do believe I have the power to make things happen. Only last week I made this utterly stupid musing; "I'm surprised at how I haven't caught the cold virus that's been going round the office". What a knob. I'm now lying in a bath full of enough oils and concoctions to make the Macbeth witches proud. I can't actually smell the bath water right now, but I'm pretty sure if I could it'd make the inside of my nose drop out. Already I can see the wallpaper peeling away from the walls and hear the dog whining outside the door. I bet I'm still ill tomorrow. My colds usually last so long that Kleenex have now decided to sponsor me. Summer colds are the worse, don't ask me why, they just are. I'm so shit when I have a cold, I have no energy and I require my mum to immediately make her way to Tesco in order to buy me ten thousand oranges and a packet of sucky sweets. I'm weak and I feel sorry for myself. I was clearly a man in my past life.

I treated myself to a mini shopping trip yesterday, although I hasten to add it was for stuff I actually need. We just won't mention about the extra little deviations from Debenhams 😉. Usually shopping makes me feel good, but this virus stole that special moment away from me! I was very much looking forward to showing off my new little black number to my current "special interest" last night, so I really hope my ample bosom was enough to distract him away from the fact I looked like an extra from Dawn of the Dead.

Another thing that annoys me about colds is this; why do they always start when you've just started a new diet? I was doing really well sticking to my allocated total amount of calories per day, in fact...I was finishing my days with extra to spare. But now I have a cold and all I want to do is comfort eat. I'm craving cheese puffs and salt & vinegar crisps! I need to be defiant towards my cravings, I do not want to look back at Sarah's wedding photos and wonder where the giant house came from that she's standing next to. Oh, that's not a house; that's me. Tomorrow I shall mostly be eating grapefruits and blueberries. Unless somebody decides to go on a bacon roll run. Then I'm fucked.

It's a New Dawn it's a New Day

Remember me...? I'm the girl who said she'd Blog more regularly. Oops. I'm also the girl who said she'd never get an iPhone. Double oops. Yep, I'm an iWanker. However, this does mean I now have no excuse not to blog more often. No more waiting for three weeks for the pc to switch on and load up!

Let me sum up what's been happening in a nutshell, because if I go into detail I'll be covered in cobwebs by the time I'm finished typing;

I no longer work or live in Ipswich. Ipswich is shit. Mr Z is, thankfully, out of my life. My brother split from his slag, er girlfriend, and we haven't seen my niece since Christmas. I'm back home but house hunting with a friend, yay! Working in Norwich with a great bunch of people, yay! And most importantly; I'm fairly hungover right now. That last one wasn't really relevant to the subject, I just wanted you to know how dedicated I now am to my blog. 

Sarah is getting married next month and I'm the bridesmaid. The key factor here is that it's in Paphos. Oosh!! First holibobs in bleedin' yonks (translation to all my overseas readers; I haven't had a holiday for a fair period of time). I have the dress and the bag, now to work on the shoes. Nothing too high; we have to walk down a large bunch of steps and I think it goes without saying that I'll definitely fall in my arse in skyscrapers. I'd like to get through the wedding pictures with my face in one piece. Same applies to my dignity.

Sarah's hen do took place last night, hence why I'm hanging, and I'm sure she had a good night. I hope so anyway! She didn't seem to mind being adorned with cocks, balloons and neon bracelets, good sport that she is. I always wondered who first thought about using willies as a hallmark for hen do's. Maybe it's a stark reminder that this is your last chance to see as many willies as you can? Or maybe it's to make you wonder if you're gonna spend the rest of your life with a cock? Whatever the reason, willies are funny, and we used them to full potential. Bit gutted when I lost my willy in the ladies toilets though. 

Now the hen do is over we're very much looking forward to Sarah and Kirks big day. Sunny climate, booze, good food and good times. I'm just trying not to think of those stairs.....

Power of Speech - Rest in iPeace

It's hard to believe that just one month ago I was looking to the sky and begging the clouds to drop some snow on Christmas Day to make it feel more festive. Now I look to the sky and curse the clouds for dropping snow - which in turn instantly turns to slush, causing me to realise my car isn't as fabulous as I once thought. I so hate owners of 4 x 4's right now.

For my sins, I drove in the adverse weather conditions at the weekend to stay with my cousin in Essex. She's just discovered free online games on her "Smart Phone" and become a little bit addicted. Everywhere I turned someone was on their poxy phone looking at WhatsApp, WeatherApp, TwatApp etc. I bet more and more people will be requesting to be buried with their iPhones, not because they can call for help if they miraculously wake up, but so they can check what's new on "WhatsApp".
I don't care what pro-iPhoners have to say about this - they do make people social retards. So called "Smart" phones are killing the long-established art of conversation. A normal conversation about ten years years ago would go something like this;

"Hey Fred, is that actor, Jack Lemmon, still alive? It's been driving me mad"
"Erm, not sure mate......Hey Dave, is Jack Lemmon still alive?"
"He's the bloke in Some Like It Hot right?"
"Yeah that's him"
"Brilliant film, very funny, a defining film for Marilyn Monroe I think you'll both agree"
"Oh definitely I totally agree Dave, Marilyn Monroe was a very talented woman, but is Jack Lemmon still alive?"
"No mate, I think he died a few years back. Shame really"
"I know. Such a great actor".

Here's how this conversation would take place today;

"Hey Fred, I just found out on my iPhone that Jack Lemmon died."
"Bummer".

Not only did the iPhone kill that conversation, it killed the discovery that two friends had a similar taste in common AND the need for a third person to get involved. It's a social conversation murderer. I rest my case. You mark my words, children will soon forget the art of normal plain English. Its bad enuff tht ppl r tking in txt spk lk its a nrml lange. Teens are using ridiculous words and phrases like "Totes" and "It's well ream". I have absolutely no idea what kids are saying nowadays. Their conversation may as well be in double Dutch. In fact I'd probably understand double Dutch better. In fifteen or twenty years, maybe not even as long as that, they'll be no need for schools. What would usually take a teacher half an hour to teach you, a kid could look up on their iPhone in two minutes. Schools will become obsolete and there will be born a different kind of education system: iSchool. Parents will be forced to buy their children iPhones or iPads to be educated at home. Let's face it, the Government are always looking for ways to save money. Middle schools across the country have already been closed down, what's to stop it going further than that?

Maybe I'm putting ideas into their heads. Or maybe they're already planning on doing it and I've unwittingly blown a whistle and they'll soon be beating down my door to silence me! Maybe I'll iShutup and go to iBed now. YAY iPhones, God I love iPhones, they're SO great, shutting down schools - HA! Genius idea! Or should I say iDea AHAHAHAHA....*nervous laughter fade out*......