Winky Flirt Babe

So I took the plunge into Internet dating, just like my friends suggested. It was a great example of exactly why I'm usually so stubborn towards anybody's advice. After 2 weeks of "winks" and "flirts" from guys who looked like they'd just escaped prison, catching their faces on the barbed wire on the way out, and messages from guys proclaiming I have a "great rack babe", I decided to cancel my subs. How do any guys reckon on getting a decent girlfriend with a pick up line like that?? i mean its hardly the height of romantic wooing. Babe...? In the literal sense of the word, I'm hardly a "babe". Plus it reminds me of that film with the talking pig. Sorry Mr BigDong31, but that's a line I ain't biting!

I was seeing a guy until recently, but he turned out to be pretty much like all the others. Self-absorbed, a bit distant, a tad weird etc. Plus he had kids; major buzzkill! He never liked to text whilst he was with his kids. Somebody needs to remind him that kids that age don't particularly want to be hanging out with Dad, so I'm sure they wouldn't give a crap if he was texting in their presence. I genuinely liked him, although I had my reservations, and besides the making me watch some motor racing bullshit he knew I didn't like, and texting his ex-girlfriend throughout our evening together, I actually felt comfortable with him. But then he said he'd text to discuss our, whatever it was we had, and never bothered. Three days later when I see him in a situation that involved both of us being together in the same place, he pretends like nothing had ever happened. I stick by my theory that men are better at mind games than women. He did me a favour really, I could never be with a guy who owns a tutu. Don't ask.  

I did meet a guy last week who seems very keen. One major problem though; he lives in Wales. He couldn't live in a worse location! It's kind of ironic considering my thoughts on Wales. In fact I may just change my middle name to Irony.

To be honest, I'm quite happy as I am right now. I'm taking every guy I meet with a pinch of salt. In fact I might just keep a bottle of salt on my person at all times. Maybe keep it in my rack...?

 

S'not Funny

I do believe I have the power to make things happen. Only last week I made this utterly stupid musing; "I'm surprised at how I haven't caught the cold virus that's been going round the office". What a knob. I'm now lying in a bath full of enough oils and concoctions to make the Macbeth witches proud. I can't actually smell the bath water right now, but I'm pretty sure if I could it'd make the inside of my nose drop out. Already I can see the wallpaper peeling away from the walls and hear the dog whining outside the door. I bet I'm still ill tomorrow. My colds usually last so long that Kleenex have now decided to sponsor me. Summer colds are the worse, don't ask me why, they just are. I'm so shit when I have a cold, I have no energy and I require my mum to immediately make her way to Tesco in order to buy me ten thousand oranges and a packet of sucky sweets. I'm weak and I feel sorry for myself. I was clearly a man in my past life.

I treated myself to a mini shopping trip yesterday, although I hasten to add it was for stuff I actually need. We just won't mention about the extra little deviations from Debenhams 😉. Usually shopping makes me feel good, but this virus stole that special moment away from me! I was very much looking forward to showing off my new little black number to my current "special interest" last night, so I really hope my ample bosom was enough to distract him away from the fact I looked like an extra from Dawn of the Dead.

Another thing that annoys me about colds is this; why do they always start when you've just started a new diet? I was doing really well sticking to my allocated total amount of calories per day, in fact...I was finishing my days with extra to spare. But now I have a cold and all I want to do is comfort eat. I'm craving cheese puffs and salt & vinegar crisps! I need to be defiant towards my cravings, I do not want to look back at Sarah's wedding photos and wonder where the giant house came from that she's standing next to. Oh, that's not a house; that's me. Tomorrow I shall mostly be eating grapefruits and blueberries. Unless somebody decides to go on a bacon roll run. Then I'm fucked.

It's a New Dawn it's a New Day

Remember me...? I'm the girl who said she'd Blog more regularly. Oops. I'm also the girl who said she'd never get an iPhone. Double oops. Yep, I'm an iWanker. However, this does mean I now have no excuse not to blog more often. No more waiting for three weeks for the pc to switch on and load up!

Let me sum up what's been happening in a nutshell, because if I go into detail I'll be covered in cobwebs by the time I'm finished typing;

I no longer work or live in Ipswich. Ipswich is shit. Mr Z is, thankfully, out of my life. My brother split from his slag, er girlfriend, and we haven't seen my niece since Christmas. I'm back home but house hunting with a friend, yay! Working in Norwich with a great bunch of people, yay! And most importantly; I'm fairly hungover right now. That last one wasn't really relevant to the subject, I just wanted you to know how dedicated I now am to my blog. 

Sarah is getting married next month and I'm the bridesmaid. The key factor here is that it's in Paphos. Oosh!! First holibobs in bleedin' yonks (translation to all my overseas readers; I haven't had a holiday for a fair period of time). I have the dress and the bag, now to work on the shoes. Nothing too high; we have to walk down a large bunch of steps and I think it goes without saying that I'll definitely fall in my arse in skyscrapers. I'd like to get through the wedding pictures with my face in one piece. Same applies to my dignity.

Sarah's hen do took place last night, hence why I'm hanging, and I'm sure she had a good night. I hope so anyway! She didn't seem to mind being adorned with cocks, balloons and neon bracelets, good sport that she is. I always wondered who first thought about using willies as a hallmark for hen do's. Maybe it's a stark reminder that this is your last chance to see as many willies as you can? Or maybe it's to make you wonder if you're gonna spend the rest of your life with a cock? Whatever the reason, willies are funny, and we used them to full potential. Bit gutted when I lost my willy in the ladies toilets though. 

Now the hen do is over we're very much looking forward to Sarah and Kirks big day. Sunny climate, booze, good food and good times. I'm just trying not to think of those stairs.....