Here's a really good joke for all you people reading this who know me; I've signed up to "Power Yoga Plus" and "Zumba" classes. Hilarious! I'm kind of dreading it, but a little bit looking forward to it too. More so the Power Yoga than the Zumba - the Zumba class will undoubtedly end in me being thrown out for landing most of the class attendees in A & E through my terrible lack of coordination. A word of warning for my fellow "keep fitters": stay away from my flailing arms! They have the power to take you out!
My excuse for not using the cross trainer that's been in the garage for nearly two years has changed from - "I'll catch a cold in that garage because the weather's so freezing" to - "Spider webs have formed over it and I have a phobia of spiders". Mum has now cleared the spider webs and I've run out of excuses. I suppose I could still use the cold weather excuse. I was bought a Wii Fit at Christmas, from my then boyfriend who had a lounge big enough for me to use it in. Unfortunately I cannot use the Wii Fit now as we broke up in January and my parents refuse to have it set up in the lounge in case I lob a controller through the telly whilst overly exerting myself kicking ass on Pirates of the Carribean (she has witnessed me in previous years throwing computer controllers at the wall in anger after losing a game. There's nothing more annoying then getting to the last level on Crash Bandicoot 2, dying, then getting the Game Over message as it dawns on you that you forgot to save it previously). So I really do have a genuine excuse for not using the Wii Fit. I've set it up in our spare room and can just about have enough room to play some of the sports games (although I've stopped playing them since they concurred my "Fitness Age" was that of a 71 year old).
I've been told that Zumba is fairly similar to Salsa. Now I used to go to Salsa lessons every week and if there's one thing I've learnt it's that there are lot's of very desperate middle-aged men who think Salsa classes are a great way to pull birds. I remember at least three guys trying it on with me, I think I was about 21 or 22 at the time, and I can safely say I did not find my Prince Charming! One of them must've been in his mid-forties, he had a mullet haircut with blonde highlights, wore tight leather trousers (I swear I'm not lying!) and a punk rock t-shirt with a long black leather jacket which had....wait for it......leopard print lining! Oh yeah I know how to pull the tasty blokes! I think the guy was trying to eminate Rod Stewart during his "Dya Think I'm Sexy" phase, but instead actually eminated what Sid Vicious might've looked like had he lived to middle age after a failed carer in porn.
The lady who runs the Power Yoga Plus classes assured me over the phone that I would not be the unfittest person at the class. I don't think she quite realises to what degree my level of unfitness actually is. I get palpitations just looking at a flight of stairs. When somebody suggests going together to the local gym, I'm wondering of the sports centre cafe would be open for chips afterwards. I swear I've forgotten how to run. I'm concerned I may get to this class and be forced into a position I will be unable to move out of. The lady said a few of the people in her class have "jokingly" called her Mrs Hitler, because of how tough she is. Great, you're really selling this class to me! If the Yoga really is that tough I'll probably be begging Mrs Hitler to send me to the gas chamber rather than having to remain balancing on one leg with my back arched and my arms above my head.....! Wish me luck!
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