Women who've given birth say that it's the most painful thing they've ever experienced. They've clearly never tried Power Yoga. My stomach muscles ache, my legs ache, my arms ache....even my fingertips ache! My butt hurts most of all, due to those stupid squatting positions! I'm walking like a male prostitute after an all-night, 13 man gang-bang because of the "Crouching Tiger" position. Just in case any of you are thinking it sounds like the making of a good sex position, let me assure you there is nothing sexual whatsoever about a woman in lycra with a red, sweating face, crouching in position looking as if she's taking a very painful dump.
The teacher, Suzi, assured me it'd only take 4 sessions before I stop feeling any pain in the days following a class. I think it'll take up to 4 sessions just for this pain from the initial session to subside! For all my sins, I will go back next week - just because I don't like to be beaten (well, that and the wake-up call from my bathroom scales this morning). Some of the women in that class could bend into positions I never dreamed were humanly possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure those women are sub-human. A couple of them needn't even have much use for a man in their lives....if you know what I mean.
Suzi had bought a strange little miniature dog with her to class, whose actions were a welcome source of light entertainment for me in the face of burning agony. As I bent myself into the "Flying Warrior" position, trying not to fall flat on my face, I watched her potter around on her little mat. She watched us intently for a minute or two, head cocked on one side as if trying to work out why all those people were putting themselves through it, then looked at the floor - almost sympathetically - and turned around to crawl into Suzi's handbag, promptly falling asleep. I don't blame you, I thought. Aren't we silly sadist humans!
On a slightly different note; I would like to mention my friend Kristen who, together with her hubby, is emmigrating back to her home town in the US next week.
I used to work for a local radio station, which is part of a big group of radio stations called Tindle Radio. Kristen worked for Tindle at HQ and it's her last day today. Kristen has spent a large majority of her time tidying up other peoples shit (metaphorically speaking), not to mention taking lots of shit from people (again, just a metaphor...she's American, not German). I would like to take this opportunity, because god forbid I would admit to her face how fabulous she is, to say "Thank You Kristen", for all the times you helped me (ok, all the times you bailed me out). Your patience is something I can only marvel at and I aspire to have some of that said patience one day. I know leaving your job is going to be scary, but I'm positive you'll find a job in no time at all. Remember, you have the ability to be anything you want....and if it doesn't work out - you've always got Hooters. Good Luck and Honk Honk.
Now piss off back to where you came from you ole brass.
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