Bow Wow

I'm dogsitting this weekend. Amy Childs is coming to stay. No, not really...I am actually dogsitting for an actual dog, which is strange considering I once believed all dogs belonged in a river. With a rock attached to them. Not that I absolutely despise dogs, I just find them dirty and inconvenient. Think about it; we walk around outside with our shoes on and walk over all manner of dirt, grime and germs - but we come home and take our shoes off. Dogs walk in the same crap and then walk it all over your lovely shag pile. Not to mention jumping up on your bed and spreading those dirty filthy little bugs and germs all over your sleeping area.

As well as the dirty feet issue, I absolutely detest it when dogs jump up at you. A lot of dog owners find it funny; "oh he's a little tyke isn't he?" they'll say. No, I'll say, he's a little in danger of getting my boot up his arse. Your lovely clean clothes are then marred by dirty paw prints all down the front. And dog hairs??? Don't even get me started.

Have you ever sat eating your dinner in front of the TV and suddenly found yourself staring into the eyes of a dog - watching you eat - and then look down to notice he has a bit of a lipstick going on...? A guy I used to live with had two dogs and they both used to sit directly in front of me, waiting, no...yearning, for me to drop something on the floor. I hate dogs who beg, it drives me mad. If a dog is malnourished then fine, I can understand. But just being greedy is very annoying...even more so with a doggie erection. Maybe they did it on purpose because they knew it'd put me off my food? In which case, I have to admire their craftiness.

But Alfie, my companion this weekend, is a bit of a dude. He doesn't beg, he doesn't moult, he's so fat you can't even see his lipstick, and he never jumps up (which is good because he'd probably break my leg, the fat bastard). The only thing that's a bit of a pain is when he decides to want to go out and have a piss, then I have to keep jumping up and letting him out. But then I'm a lazy cow and I should at least be grateful he does it outside and not in the kitchen. Also, I'm staying at this persons house and I'm a bit of a wimp on my own in a big house, so he makes me feel safe; if a burglar got in he could kiss goodbye to ever being able to make babies after Alfie's finished with him.

So, unless it's so unbelievably cute that I can forgive all these flaws; or ripping off someone's bollocks to protect me from harm...I am not a dog person!