Apologies to my fellow blogheads (that's what I'm officially calling you!) for my lack of postage yesterday. I had a bad attack of the dizzies, and no I don't mean Rascal. I figure when you look up and see the PC screen multiplying it's probably time to lie down. I felt a bit cheated really, I was completely sober.
So I was thinking about superpowers yesterday. Not in the political sense, but in the kinda X-Men, Superman sense. I bet when asked which power you could have, 8 out of 10 people would say invisibility; most of which will be men. You can just see their eyes glaze over as they imagine walking unchallenged into the ladies locker room, like the opening scene from Carrie. But probably with a bit less lady muff. The other 2 out of 10 would choose telepathy; definitely a woman's choice. Imagine being able to read your mans thoughts as you walk down the street, or sit on the beach, or whilst watching a Angelina Jolie film. I reckon that particular superpower would result in a large increase of divorces across the country.
The ability to fly would be amazing - I'd save a fortune on petrol and air fares. Being invisible would serve me no real purpose - I have too much of a conscience to rob or steal even if I had no chance of getting caught (yes I know I'm pathetic). Telepathy could have it's uses, as could the ability to control the weather.
But my superpower however, would be to have a database of witty one-liners and put downs in my head...and the ability to pick one out whenever the occasion calls for it. I'd leave the great Joan Rivers standing! (can she still stand un-aided...?). Think about it; how often have you been confronted by your wanky boss, headmaster, ex-boyfriend etc, and not been able to think of a single clever thing to say? What's worse is when you think of something absolutely hilarious and totally genuis to retort back with....10 minutes after the confrontation. Too late then. It'd be like a comedian starting to tell a joke and then going off for a drink and coming back later to tell the punchline. It's not big and it's not clever.
Oh the amount of times I've been put down and my minds gone blank, only to retort back with (in desperation) "yeah well it's not my problem you're a c*nt". Hmm, nice one Leigh, Bob Hope would be really proud. Or should I say...Bob Hope's writers would be proud! Yes I should take comfort in the fact that even the world's greatest comedians couldn't think of their own jokes and one-liners. Just look at that memorial concert for Diana, where Ricky Gervais had to use off-the-wall material for 10 minutes after a technical problem meant the next act was delayed. He was stuck. Absolutely useless. You could see the panic on his face and the situation was very uncomfortable to watch. But I bet he was kicking himself 10 minutes after he left the stage when he undoubtably thought of something hilarious to say about Simon Le Bons trousers.
To have this superpower would make you offically the funniest person on earth. Although, every great comedian says the secret is in the delivery. Ah. In that case...am I allowed two superpowers please...?
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