Pork. But not as we know it.

I've volunteered to cook the Sunday roast today. Slow-roasted shoulder of pork for 5 people. Only time will tell if I cook it well enough so it doesn't taste like my leather ankle boot. At 3pm I'm hoping people will be tucking in to a culinary masterpiece created by myself...with a little help from Jamie Oliver.

One thing I've noticed is how bloody expensive meat it. When I was cooking for my partner and myself last year I kept an eye out for discounted lamb and beef because it was so pricey to buy at full price. I love leg of lamb, but you can expect to pay anything from £16 up to about £25. It's ridiculous. Occassionally a supermarket would slash the price of a half leg of lamb, but then there isn't enough meat on that to feed a small water vole. If water voles actually ate lamb that is. Victoria Beckham could eat a whole half leg of lamb to herself and still be craving more.

First time house buyers have enough to worry about, what with getting into life-long debt and turmoil from buying their first tedious little one-bedroom house with no garden, without having to worry about not providing a decent meal because of the price of meat. My advice to all soon-to-be newly weds is this; cancel your wedding list for toasters, fondue sets and matching crockery and replace these items with meat requests. That's going to be the only way you'll be able to afford to eat a proper hearty meal in your lovely new house, on Mum and Dads lovely new housewarming oven. Maybe it's the Governments way of getting us to save energy...? Save electricity by not using your oven because food is too expensive. Hmm. My new diet is going to be expensive too, have you seen the price of healthy eating food??? A single apple costs almost as much as a bar of chocolate or a packet of crisps. Whenever you see special offers in supermarkets it's always things like, Buy 1 Get 1 Free on multipack bags of Monster Munch; or double chocolate chip cookies made with 4 types of chocolate, dipped in chocolate, with a chocolate middle...now down to 50p for 500 packets. I'm exaggerating of course but you get my point. God bless Aldi and Lidl for providing us with cheap fruit and veg. I've realised that it's cheaper to be fat, until you get morbidly fat and end up costing us tax-payers a fortune because we'll paying for your gastric band surgery or disability benefits. I realise of course this doesn't apply to every one, but people like that guy from Ipswich who has to be carried out of his house by a crane, or whatever. Sick.

So anyway, back to the meat. I'm predicting a surge of people turning vegetarian in a few years or so, if only because of these rising meat prices. Not me though. Oh no. A dinner without meat would be like crotchless knickers in winter; it just doesn't make sense.

At least you all know what's going to be on my wedding list when that day ever comes.