Sweet Child O'Mine

My favourite subject of conversation came up yesterday: children. It's hard to get sarcasm across in a blog but believe me, I'm being sarcastic.

I was in a charity shop (don't tell anyone) and it was quite nice and peaceful. I was browsing happily through the tacky china section when a scruffy woman and an equally scruffy partner walked in with two little brats, er boys. The boys started running around the shop, they must've been around 8 or 9 years old, and upon finding the toy section one of them screamed out "MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM I'VE FOUND THE TOYS"! I thought maybe his mother was deaf, but I realised he was just being annoying. "DON'T BLOODY WELL TOUCH ANYTHING UNTIL I GET THERE" she screeched as she struggled to get her skanky arse across the shop. I carried on browsing into the paperback section. Ooo...a Michael J Fox autobiography......

The two brats carried on yelling at each other and their father knelt down to scramble through the toy box with them. Then, quite loudly, the mother grabbed one of the boys and said to him; "Stop farting, I already told you about that in the other shop"! I'm not quite sure if she said it loudly on purpose in the hope that the people around them would find it amusing, but I can assure you - nobody laughed. I found myself getting the urge to whack her round the head with the "Historic Castles of Britain" book I had in my hand...but I resisted. One of the boys then found a plastic helicopter and demanded his father buy it for him. "You're not having it" the father said, "You've had lots of things today, you're not having no more" (fantastic English). This caused the brat to throw himself down on the floor and go into a mega screaming fit. I'd had enough. I grabbed my second-hand shit and rushed to the till. As I was paying I over-heard the father say "Alright, alright, you can have it, calm down. Pick it up and I'll go pay for it". Some parents are so stupid.

So I was having this converstion yesterday and was asked; "So are you thinking about children"?
"In what way"? I asked, knowing full well what she meant.
"Well, when are you planning on having them"
I don't even have a boyfriend and she's selling me down the river with 2.4 children already. I gave the same answer I always give when people ask me this question;
"Never. I don't really appreciate children".

This is usually followed by a stunned silence and a look that would make you think I'd just answered their question with "Never, children are little balls of shit and piss and I'd spit on every one of them if I had the chance".

"Oh" she said. "Never? Really? Oh well I'm sure you'll change your mind".

If Jesus Christ appeared before me and told me I could be responsible for making world-peace last forever because I was going to give birth to the next miracle...I'd still tell him to fuck off and bug someone else. If I were among the last 10 people alive on this earth and having children would re-establish the human race...I'd still say I'm happier on my own anyway, after all; less people = shorter queues at McDonalds.

Ignorant people say that a problem child is the result of bad parenting. This is not always true. I know several people who were complete bastards when they were young and they had fantastic parents. Sometimes you can do everything right and they still turn out wrong. Several things are to blame for this; hanging out with the wrong crowd, being naturally naive and impressionable, and upset brain chemicals. Don't try to tell me that watching slasher movies and playing blood'n'guts video games turns a kid into a psycho killer...I watched many slashers growing up and Resident Evil and Doom were my favourite video games; I never once had the urge to rip my brother's head off. Not in the literal sense anyway. It's all down to brain chemicals.

One of the reasons I don't want kids is because I don't want to risk giving birth to the next Anti-Christ. Another reason, is that I like to spend money on myself. I like to spend money on others when I choose to do so - not because I have to. I also like the freedom of being able to go wherever I want and do whatever I want to do. If I wake up one day and think "I'm gonna hop on train and go up the West End", I don't want the hassle of having to try and find a baby sitter...or risk not being able to go at all if I can't find one. My stomach can't handle other people's puke, shit, piss...or screaming fits! On another note; I have zero tolerance and absolutely zero patience. I am sick to high heaven of people with children asking me "Soooooo when are you thinking about babies"?? Trust me, I will never change my mind, so please don't patronise me.

So bear this in mind the next time you ask a single girl if she's thinking about babies soon; If she looks bright and happy, her clothes look reasonably expensive, she doesn't smell of sick, and she tells you she's just off to have a nice quiet read of her book over a mug of Starbucks latte, the answer is no....she's not.